A quote from my book about the Gospel

From my book:

I was repeatedly put in silly situations like this. I was at the lowest rank in a church organization. They would not only allow me to preach, but they did not even speak to me. The pastor was despising me. So I found no chance of how I could call them (both the pastor and others) to the true faith and repentance and save them. And all what could be enough to change all this—to be respected by the pastor, allowed to preach, and take a high position—would be to have sex with the wife of the pastor (which has offered it to me). I was completely messed in mind, thinking about situations like this, supposing I would do this (I have not). But if I would, what would it be? A kind of prostitution. Then who would I be after this? I would be an apostle prostitute. (I was called to be a missionary in Africa as I will describe below, so I call myself an apostle.) Yes, there was a reason in not doing this. It is that I was simply not able to analyze this situation. I have been somehow able to analyze apostles and prostitutes, but I would not be able to analyze anything about anyone both apostle and prostitute. An airplane may crash because of a damage or fuel going out. But it may also crash by the other reason, lost orientation (where I am); this would be lost orientation and so also a crash.

Or another example on the same topic: I was dying of hunger. I was bringing to coffin my math discovery worth trillions of dollars. Isn’t there a simple solution: marry a “wrong” girl with money? I was popular among women, it would be possible to do. After all what is more important: not to sleep with a girl I don’t like or give the world a few trillions dollars (what could maybe enhance all areas of living including dating sites and the possibilities for men to sleep with women they like)? I was stopped to do this by a contradiction in my mind: not understanding what the Gospel means by “marriage”, “prostitution”, “generosity”, “greediness”. The same about to become a thief to earn a trillion for the world. No way to understand what is to be a thief and prostitute Gospel follower.